Dear Mr. Dr. Staeheli,
Have I told you about my fears? I’m sure you know I hate heights (but will climb any mountain), hate spiders (but will scream while killing one if no one else will), despise horror films (but watch them anyways). Every fear mentioned so far, I manage to conquer when I need to, but their are a few more fears that I can’t even on my bravest day.
I am terrified of ending up alone. A year of being without a relationship put this fear back in my mind. What if no one will ever want me again? What if I don’t want anyone who wants me? What if these letters are addressed to no one?
This fear piggy backs onto the next one: being infertile. If I never get married, then maybe being infertile could be a perk of perpetual singleness. But what if I can never give you a child? I’ve always loved the idea of looking down into my babies eyes and being able to see a little bit of the people I love staring back at me. I’ve always wanted a big family (3-5 kids….maybe 6). I’ve always wanted to see little blue eyed babes running around the house or staying up with me to bake. What if we can never have that? What if by the time I’ve found you, I’m too old?
I’m 20 years old and terrified of being infertile and unmarried. I am a disgrace to feminism, but societal norms drive my dreams.
I would love to meet you tomorrow, get married right after grad school (let’s be a bit real here), and make babies until the cows come home.
But if there are no babies to make then know that we will be making love. And if there is no you to read this, then Laura I hope you are happy with your dogs, your adopted kids, your years of travel, your incredible career, and your beautiful self.
Sorry sweetie, I monopolized your letter.
I love you to the moon,