I’ve posted about two of my conversations with friends of mine confessing my struggles with disordered eating. Both conversations were kinda out of the blue and with more recently made friends. Though I feel close to both of these friends there is no comparison of their friendships to the relationship I have with my best friend.
Sydney has been my best friend since 4th grade. She’s the kind of best friend where we can be apart for months and come back together and pick up right where we left off without a problem which is what we did this past weekend.
Saturday morning we headed for the mountains to go backpacking for the night at Lake Pratt. Alone in the mountains, you would think this would be the best time for a deep talk. I braced myself to tell all.
I had 8 miles on the hike in, hours at our site, and 5.5 miles on the way out……and said nothing. I couldn’t bring myself to do it. I wanted it to be organic, not just me suddenly blurting out I’ve been binging and purging for 8 months. I even found my mind obsessing over every calorie I consumed on the hike followed by thoughts of an escape plan to purge later in the night. But timing wasn’t the only thing that stopped me.
Sydney has struggles of her own. She suffers from generalized anxiety and some depressive symptoms. She was anxious the whole hike and I could tell. I didn’t want to make things any worse for her by telling her my secret.
When I tell people, I feel as if I’m loading my burden onto them. I’m the kind of person who will go out of their way to help others, it’s how I show my love, but for some reason making my problems someone else’s by asking for their help doesn’t sit right with me.
What if knowing my secret made Syd feel guilty or responsible? What if it set of one of her anxiety episodes? I would not be responsible for my friend’s suffering, so this is one secret that I will never tell my best friend.