After three months without purging, I started to spiral.
I began in Europe. Everyone wanted to take pictures, but I desperately didn’t want my current weight recorded on a scale or in a picture. Every photo opportunity only served as a reminder of what I look like.
I thought about purging all the time. Somehow I managed to hold out until the second to last week. I threw up, fixed my makeup, and went out for the night.
When I got back home, things only got worse. My house was empty most of the time giving easy access to the bathroom to vomit whatever binge I chose that moment. I purged 3 times in 5 days, matching my record.
I was heading into a weekend in Nashville for a leadership conference for a Christian women’s group I helped start on my campus. I was expected to learn a lot, but wasn’t expecting what I encountered.
The first night of the conference they randomly split us up into small groups. I knew no one in the group, but my first impression that these were all very kind girls. The shook us when they told us to give our testimonials to these girls who only minutes before had been strangers.
Part of a good testimonial is complete vulnerability. I knew at some point I wanted to be able to open up to the girls of Delight about my disordered eating and that opening up to total strangers would be a start.
So. I confessed.
We I finally looked up at the shocked expressions on their faces, the first response was “Can we pray over you?” I felt so much love in that moment. Being accepted by 8 girls at once greatly contrasted the responses I’d gotten. The confidence in my story I gained allowed me to also open up to my co-lead turning my count from 3 people to 12 in one night!
This feeling of healing was only the beginning.